Grieving for a pet

It is not fair. We choose to take pets into our homes and hearts knowing that we will very likely outlive them.

For many people, the sorrow they feel when a pet dies is as real and intense as if any human member of their family had died. After all, pets are often (and should be) considered an integral part of the family. Strong bonds develop between animals and humans, so it can be extremely difficult to cope with such a profound loss.

People deal with grief in many ways. At first, an individual may be unable to accept that a pet is really gone. Guilt and anger are also quite common. It is essential to accept the validity of these emotions and allow them to be expressed for as long as it takes.

Senior citizens, children and family pets can be especially vulnerable to grief. According to Arleen Stern, a geriatric care manager based in New York City, “When a senior loses a pet there are significant implications that accompany that loss.” These include heightened awareness of aging and vulnerability, loneliness (especially when the senior has already lost a spouse) and loss of physical touch.

These individuals may need guidance through the grieving process.

For a child, the loss of the family pet may be his first experience with death, and can leave him feeling frightened or guilty. The Humane Society of the United States explains that a parent who expresses grief reassures the child that sadness is OK. This openness to sorrow can help him work through his feelings.

A surviving family pet can suffer many of the same signs and symptoms of mourning as humans. Try to maintain a normal routine and, as difficult as it may be, do not coddle your pet. Showering him with affection can actually reinforce negative behavior changes. Additionally, veterinarian Dr. Margaret Muns advises against adopting a new pet to help the grieving pet until the owner is emotionally ready.

Muns offers a variety of ways to help ease the feelings of pain and loss:

-- Give yourself permission to grieve. The pain will subside and your life will be normal again.
-- Memorialize your pet by holding a service, donating to a local animal shelter, creating a scrapbook or writing down your feelings.
-- Surround yourself with people who understand your loss. Let others care for you.
-- Indulge in small pleasures.
-- Be patient with yourself. Do not let society dictate how long mourning should last.
-- Give yourself permission to backslide and don’t be surprised if holidays, smells, sounds or words trigger a relapse.
-- Don’t be afraid to get help from pet loss support groups or grief counselors.
-- Consult your own religious or spiritual “higher power.”

In addition to the above suggestions, there are new ways to memorialize a pet that go far beyond the standard urn. Cremation jewelry containing a small portion of the
animal’s remains is a popular choice. Ashes may also be integrated into artistic glass sculptures and even commissioned paintings. Locally, Lynchburg’s historic Old City Cemetery has a picturesque scatter garden where a statue of Saint Francis, patron saint of animals and the environment, protects treasured pets’ ashes.

What if someone you know loses a pet? Above all, acknowledge the mourner’s depth of feelings without passing judgment. Listen without interrupting and do not try to solve the problem through statements such as, “It was just his time to go” or “You’ll feel better soon.”

Though our hearts will be broken when dear pets die, remembering the joy and unconditional love they brought to our lives can help us through the pain.

Light-hearted
The Lynchburg Humane Society is hosting its Dedication of Lights and Homecoming from 5 to 7 p.m. Dec. 7. Lights are lit and stars hung in honor or memory of animals or humans. Please bring any LHS alumni you have adopted. For more information, call (434) 846-1438 or visit www.lynchburghumanesociety.org.