More parenting myths

Almost two decades ago, I wrote a book entitled “21 Deadly Myths of Parenting: and 21 Creative Alternatives.” As trends change, I decided to revisit a few of these myths. Has research and experience changed the conclusions I reached years ago?

This is my second column re-evaluating past beliefs, and three new myths are discussed below.

Myth No. 3: Don’t lay your values on your children
Many of the most hands-off parents in the last 20 years believed that their children should make their own decisions and choose their own truths and values. Someone will teach your children values. Should it be their preschool teachers, their peers or the media? I don’t think so.
When it comes to values, why play “I’ve got a secret?”

New and improved belief No. 3: Parents need to teach and model family values
Siblings create different personalities except in areas where parents both believe in and model the same values.
As a young couple, decide on the values you share and want to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, “How can we both model these values?” Give your children a foundation to build upon as adults. Respecting others’ views is important, but accepting all values as equal will make your children rudderless.
However, remember that children do not understand complexity and abstract ideas until after reaching puberty. Be careful not to assume that they understand everything you teach.

Myth No. 4: Children are more like adults in their thinking than in their
feelings
Go to any public place today and you may be surprised at the tone of voice some parents use when communicating with their children. Do they talk to their spouses this way? If so, their marriages must be rocky.
Like adults, children feel love, hurt, hate, humiliation, happiness, anger, embarrassment, ecstasy and depression. Unlike adults, children cannot think abstractly.

New and improved belief No. 4: Children are more like us in their feelings than in their thinking
Nagging, using comparisons, public criticism and embarrassing children in front of their peers — all are offenses that few adults tolerate.
If you would not like your spouse or another adult to do these things to you, do not do them to your children. Their emotional reaction will be similar to yours.

Myth No. 5: Always strive to be the best
This myth always sounds good. But sometimes we are simply not at our best.

New and improved belief No. 5: Display the courage to be imperfect
Nothing has taught me more about the need to develop the courage to be imperfect than
raising children. As parents we make mistakes. We would like some do-overs. And, we all hope our children will become better parents than we were in our worst moments.

Of course, there are many other parenting myths that are wrong, such as “All children need is love” and “You can never do too much for your children.” Although society and parenting trends change, I agree with most experts that children’s needs and inner-development remain largely unchanged.