Adjusting to school and other new situations

“Who are your three best friends?” This is a favorite question of therapists.

Why? Because our happiness in life frequently depends on the quality of our friendships.

Although this column will focus on younger students, the same need for at least one close friendship is true for adults entering college or accepting a new job. Life remains unsettled, and our happiness is tenuous until a close friendship is forged. After a friend is found, people in new situations settle down and usually feel more content.

School-aged children

While adults in new situations have the patience to find friends, children without friends find trouble.

They are more likely to have difficulty concentrating. Much of their energy is invested in attention-getting misbehavior or in engaging teachers in power struggles. Children who misbehave are guided by a private logic that is illogical to others: “If people notice me, they will like me.” “If I fight the teacher, others will admire me.”

When a child is misbehaving or knows no one in a new class, parents and teachers would be wise to work together to help the young person create one positive friendship. Having a friend who is in the classroom, not simply attending the same school, is the best situation.

Teachers can help

Teachers have many methods for helping their students foster friendships. They can pair a student having difficulty adjusting with a disciplined student who has similar interests. Instructors can re-arrange seating or create teams that are rewarded for working together.

One obvious but seldom-used strategy is for teachers to make suggestions to parents about potential friendships their child might create. Most teachers can sense who might become a positive friend.

Parents can help

Parents can help the process of friendship-making. First, ask your child and your child’s teachers for suggestions. Then take your child and the potential friend to a place of their choice. They might enjoy a movie or skateboarding or any number of activities. You can also invite the friend to a family dinner, followed by games the children select. Eventually young people might be ready for a sleep over.

New school blues

Usually a jump-start is all that children in a new school need. However, some children will prove to be more difficult for teachers. This is particularly true when parents are not helpful and the child has few social skills. These are the friendless children who either become year-long behavior problems or find “birds of a feather” whose common bond is creating trouble.

Counselors can help

It is my belief that one of the most important expectations of elementary school counselors is for them to work with chronically troubled students to develop social skills. This might best be done in groups. Some counselors mix problem students with young people who have social skills. This mixture provides modeling.

If counselors are not available to do this, teachers will need to help troubled and troubling students find a positive place of significance in the classroom. Each child needs to feel as if he or she is excellent at something other than misbehaving.

-West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.