Making date nights count

“We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love.

— W. Somerset Maugham

“We drifted apart.” Unfortunately, this explanation follows the demise of too many marriages. Two predictable periods in marriage appear to be times when couples need to communicate more and better. The two most frequent times divorces occur are after an average of 5.2 years and then again after 16.2 years of marriage, according to the marriage researcher John Gottman. Why?

Two peak periods for divorce

Adding children to the home stresses the majority of marriages. In fact, more than 70 percent of couples report that the birth of the first child is a “shock” to their marriage. Drifting apart is understandable. Work around the home explodes, and the needs of children immediately demand center stage. At the same time, many parents’ careers require an increasing amount of their time and energy. Without intending to, couples can begin to lead separate lives.

These major changes can also cause a frustrated spouse to become hypercritical of a partner. The criticized spouse, in turn, can become defensive and may refuse to talk. If this occurs, both spouses will experience isolation and loneliness. One or both spouses can believe that their marital problems are too serious to fix. Early divorces are frequently filled with anger.

The second heavy period of divorces occurs after parents begin to raise teenagers. Teens test the flexibility of a family and the bonds of a couple. As stress escalates, many couples actually talk less. In some cases, one parent may decide to spend more time at work, and the other becomes more enmeshed with the children. The more the couple shifts its focus away from each other, the lonelier each partner becomes. If they do not work together to become closer, these marriages will not end in anger but in silence. These are the couples that report that they “drifted apart like two ships in the night.”

Meaningful date nights

Weekly date nights are very helpful for couples. Any date night is important. However, some need to be focused. Just as you take a car in for a 10,000 or 40,000 mile checkup, you need to inspect your marriage periodically. On these date nights, prohibit discussions about children or household challenges. Spend time as a couple talking about your hopes and fears, your dreams and disappointments. Ask and answer questions that are important, such as: “How do you believe you have changed in the past year or more? What do you hope your life will look like in five years? What do you hope our lives will look like? What in your life have I been too busy to notice? What could I add to our lives that would make your life better?” Of course, you need to personalize your list of questions to fit your needs.

Is it time to ask for a relationship checkup? Don’t risk drifting apart as your lives change. Periodically, create a date night to rediscover your spouse.

West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.