Making families label free

“If you label me, you negate me.”

— Soren Kierkegaard

“Labeling is disabling.” More than 100 years after the death of Kierkegaard, psychologist and author David Elkind continues to warn educators and parents that too many times children are labeled as “defective” if they do not fit into the mainstream.

Of particular concern to Elkind are children who develop more slowly than their peers. Once labeled, these students too frequently live down to their own and their teachers’ expectations.

Labeling children who have genuine learning disabilities allows students to receive needed help. Also, these labels create a paper trail that will help them receive government support, if it is needed later in life.

On the other hand, labeling children who are simply out of step with their faster-developing peers makes them feel negated. Unfortunately, our present educational philosophy does not have a positive way to handle those who develop normally but more slowly.

Family labels

Families use labels of their own: “Scatter-brained;” “lazy;” “drama queen;” “hot-headed;” “uncaring.”

Negative family labels are as disabling as psychological labels. What is amazing is how the negative labels families frequently give their children are resistant to change even when the young become adults. As a rule, individuals change more quickly than their family mythology.

As a result, it is not unusual for married adults to visit their family of origin’s home and regress by acting down to their family’s expectations. When this occurs, their spouses react with disbelief:

“You’re a totally different person when you go home. I don’t even recognize you. Why don’t you just be yourself?”

Personal liberation

My sixth-grade teacher changed my life. Raised in a highly academic family, I surrendered academics to my sisters. Both of my parents earned graduate degrees from Yale, and my two sisters fought with each other to see who could earn straight A’s on each report card. Believing I could not compete with any of them, I found my place being labeled the humorous but underachieving jock, who was academically lazy. I rarely studied for tests and lived down to everyone’s expectations.

Then, I became inspired by my greatest teacher, Mrs. Cross. Although I didn’t study hard at the beginning of the academic year, I fell in love with Greek mythology and with Mrs. Cross.

For a project she assigned, I created a Greek ship. Looking back, it wasn’t a very good ship. However, Mrs. Cross knew my first major effort gave her the opportunity to change my parents’ perception of me. She and the principal called my father at his office. I’m sure he was furious to be called to the phone, expecting yet another negative report. Instead, Mrs. Cross re-labeled me to take me out of competition with my sisters.

“Dr. West, I have your son in front of me, and he has created the best project ever submitted in one of my classes. What you have in Ken is a creative genius.”

Of course, that was far from true. But from that moment on, my parents thought of me differently. Now, my parents considered me to be the “creative one” in the family. And, whenever my sisters compared my report card to theirs, I simply responded to their dismay, “I don’t worry about grades. I’m a creative genius.” After my sisters left for college, I also began to study for the first time.

Change labels now

Don’t wait for someone outside of your family to help your children think of themselves differently.

To fight negativity, many parents reframe a child’s characteristics to emphasize the positive aspects of particular traits. A “lazy person” is relabeled as “laid-back.” A “hot-headed” child is “enthusiastic” or “passionate,” and a “hard-headed” youth “has a mind of her own.” If a characteristic threatens to limit your child, rather than label to disable, label to enable.

If children live down to their labels, they can also live up to expectations. Resist being a family that does not change.

Dream for your child, even when your child cannot dream for himself.

West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.