Holding grudges leads to bitterness

“Holding a grudge is like taking poison and hoping someone else will drop dead.”
— John Demartini

Since Esau held a mortal grudge against Jacob, friends and families have been torn apart by people who nourish grudges. In their imaginations, grudges fill their targets with regret and sorrow. After hearing that an unforgiven person will attend the same intimate gathering, a resentful person begins to imagine future events: “I will go, but I will ignore her.” “I will leave the room if he enters.” “I will refuse to laugh at jokes.” “I will speak with a cold edge.”

Lost are the positive possibilities that are usually anticipated when one plans to gather with friends. Notice the irony. Resentful people allow the person they choose to ignore to control their behavior and feelings. In reality, these recipients of grudges continue to live as they usually do by ignoring the difficult people who cling to angry emotions. Unaware of their grudges’ lack of effectiveness, bitter people continue to swallow their own poison.

Self-help
“We never ask God to forgive anybody except when we haven’t,” Elbert Hubbard observed. While some people seem to be coated with Teflon and grudges quickly slide away, others ruminate about their problems. Sometimes ruminators are too angry to talk directly with the person involved in the grudge. In these cases it is possible to work toward slowly letting go of the grudge.

If you are a ruminator who holds onto and rehearses problems, create a Grudge Diary. Write in detail about the incidents that led to the grudge that continues to control your thinking. Write regularly about it in your journal. Sometimes the process of writing is curative in itself. Make this diary different from other journals by tearing out the page when your resentment ends. Toss it away as a declaration: “I am free to control my thinking and to act with spontaneity in the future.” Interestingly, the ancient Greeks’ word to forgive was to “throw away.” When you are ready to throw away your grudge, you will be free to act differently and to renew relationships. You may even wish to talk with the person you once held a grudge toward. As Bernard Meltzer advised, “When you forgive, you in no way change the past — but you sure do change the future.”

Outside Help
If a grudge is too deep and self-help does not seem like an option that will work for you, experienced counselors can help. Ask friends or a clergy member for the name of a respected therapist. Or, look in the phone book under counselors, clinical psychologists or psychiatrists. Caring counselors will actively listen and provide support. They will help you make good decisions about how to handle the past today. As time passes, you will have a choice about whether or not to forgive. Making an appointment to talk about a grudge that has held you captive can be the first step in changing the future.