Ken West: Attaining goals in the new year

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
— Reinhold Niebuhr

You have probably made your New Year’s resolutions. Maybe you decided to eat better, exercise more, drink less or stop smoking. Or, maybe you resolved to reduce stress, put your finances in order, add to your education or volunteer for worthy causes.

Having the courage to reach any of these goals will improve your personal life. Research tells us that more than 50 percent of adults also vow to spend more time with their families. While being an excellent goal, a small alteration in its focus can make a crucial difference.

“When I am with my spouse or children, I will train myself to be more positive and encouraging.” How will this help? Try this experiment. The results will show how much power you have to change the atmosphere of your home each day. Make one positive comment to each family member today. Point out small things you appreciate. Hold negative observations for another day. Watch how the atmosphere improves when you compliment loved ones and focus on what you like about them or what they do. Yes, courage is required to change what can be changed. Yet, wisdom is required to create resolutions that can enrich relationships every day.

Marriages, false self esteem

Recently I had the opportunity to hear the world’s most famous marriage and family therapists discuss their research. All agreed that in the happiest marriages, partners are much more positive than negative to each other. In fact, The Gottman Institute continues to find that in the best marriages, spouses offer five positive comments for each negative one. In the most troubled relationships, only 50 percent of comments are positive.

The False Self Esteem Movement also drew strong comments from experts. Finding its beginning in California, this movement gave children an inflated view of their abilities. Many of these young people ended up depressed after they discovered in adulthood that they are pretty much like everyone else. How can parents be positive yet avoid building false self esteem?

Focusing on what a child actually does rather than on global personality traits is a key. For example, parents might observe: “I appreciate your clearing the table for me.” “I’m glad you enjoy reading.” “Thank you for entertaining your brother while I was on the phone.” “You played well today.” Avoid global comments about traits: “You are the smartest kid in the world.” “You’re the quickest point guard I’ve ever seen.” “No one is as funny as you.”

My favorite definition of self esteem is that it is the difference between who you think you should be and who you think you are. By focusing on what children actually do well, you will build their self confidence. However, exaggerating global traits (smartest, best, funniest) runs the risk of building a false sense of self-esteem that can crumble when they discover that they are not nearly as glorious as their parents imagined.

West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.