Avoiding re-entry problems

Dreams of returning to their families can quickly become nightmares for many adults who have been separated from their spouses and children.

In the absence of a parent, most families reorganize out of necessity and begin to operate without them. If returning adults attempt to take charge too quickly, family members and even spouses can become resentful and resistant.

Although military families are most familiar with the difficulties adults experience re-entering their families, any parent who spends significant time away from home can encounter similar challenges. For instance, families with a parent who travels during the week and returns on weekends will create two separate systems of operating: one for weekdays and one for weekends.

America’s leading family therapist, Salvador Minuchin, has coined the term “accordion families” to those families who frequently adjust to the absence, and then the return, of a family member.

Redskin wisdom
Washington Redskins players received wise, family counsel from their coach, Jim Zorn, when they cleaned out their lockers after the season ended. Zorn warned married players to be careful as they re-entered the routine of family life:

“I know from personal experience. My wife has been completely in charge for so many weeks, now I step back in and I go, ‘Why is that there?’ That doesn’t go over very well.”

Of course, if a wife is sensitive to questions about the placement of furniture, readers can imagine how a family might initially resist discipline by a parent who has been absent from their lives. No matter how much returning members are loved, family therapists warn that attempts to change a new system that is working will frequently be met with resistance.

Consider the situation of two parents who have different communication and discipline styles. When the mother is alone with her children, she might talk more with her children and create mutual agreements about house rules, curfews and consequences for breaking rules. However, when her husband returns to the home, he might attempt to lay down the law and punish children without discussion. His wife and children may resist his more authoritarian approach. As a result, the returning father may feel disrespected, even rejected. In reality, the problem is not created by a lack of love, but by an attempt to make major changes too soon.

Go slowly
If you re-enter your family after a long period of absence, enjoy the luxury of rejoining the family slowly. Usually, there is no need to make quick changes because most families have found a way to operate that works. Your family loves you and needs a chance to get to know you again. Take advantage of their present stability and good will toward you.

Moving slowly is particularly difficult for adults who have a high need to be in control. Of course, high controllers are the very ones who need to move slowly because their efforts to take over the family immediately can create tension and resistance. Know yourself. Know what you can control and what you need to ease into.

Focus on rebuilding relationships rather than on re-asserting authority. Spend time sharing the interests of each of your children. Involve yourself each time an opportunity arises. Talk with your children. Listen. Be supportive.  Rebuild relationships.

Most importantly, spend time with your spouse. Rather than change things, catch up on things. Arrange time to be alone as a couple doing those activities you enjoyed before departing.

After you feel united in your couple relationship, begin to discuss how you will work together in the family. Move as a unit rather than separately. Couple meetings help parents keep a united front in discipline and communications. As relationships are renewed, the re-entering parent’s influence will be accepted more readily.

Get a coach
In the worst case scenarios, do not hesitate to ask for help. Coach Jim Zorn’s players were happy to have his coaching before they returned home. If re-entry problems become painful, call a professional who can coach you on ways to help your family grow together rather than rebel when too much change occurs too soon.