Couch Potato: Eviction notice

This season of “Big Brother” is going to give me an ulcer.

The betrayals have just come so fast and so frequently that, right now, there’s no show that ignites more ire — or more yelling at the TV — from me than CBS’s summer reality staple, which is basically like “Survivor” in a house. Contestants spend the entire summer living together on the CBS studio lot, and one person is voted out each week.

It normally takes our houseguests awhile to start hating and/or scheming against each other, and the first few votes are usually unanimous, without much contention as alliances are formed.

Not this season.

Thanks to Ronnie, whom I’d like to nominate as THE most annoying reality TV contestant ever, the season’s first jaw-dropper occurred during the very first eviction ceremony, when he switched his vote at the last minute and sided with the athletes. (This season, houseguests were divided up into high school cliques: the athletes, the popular, the geeks and the offbeats).

If that wasn’t irksome enough, Ronnie then completely overplayed his hand.

Instead of staying mum and out of everyone’s way, he started playing both sides, relaying false information and exaggerations between the different alliances and spending time in the diary room bragging about what a schemer he really was.

Suspicions eventually rose and resulted in his eviction last week. Hallelujah!

As for the other houseguests, Jeff has totally emerged as my reality TV boyfriend of the summer.

His budding romance with the dim but sweet Jordan is showmance at its best. They’re the two best-looking people in the house (sorry, Jessie!), so it’s only natural they’d gravitate toward each other. I don’t think they have much of a future outside the house, but it’s still fun to watch their flirtation.

In the beginning, I was no fan of Russell’s or his ’roid-rage outbursts.

But he seems to have calmed down a bit — if you overlook his recent screaming match with new Head of Household Chima — and I’ll love him forever for finally putting Ronnie up on the block, where he deserved to be.

I’m also glad Russell is getting away from the athlete alliance he had with Jessie and Natalie. Those two are beyond obnoxious, and it’s about time Russell realized he’d always be on the outside.

His secret alliance with Jeff is great and should keep things exciting as we move forward.

A new episode airs on CBS tonight, and we’ll get to see what Jeff does with his recently awarded secret power: the “coup de’etat,” which allows him to, at the eviction ceremony’s very last minute, replace the Head of Household’s two nominees with whomever he wants.

Read my lips, Jeff: Jessie and Natalie.

Jessie. And. Natalie.