There is no ‘but’ in compliment

“‘But’ is a fence over which few leap.” — German Proverb

What skill do happy couples and successful parents develop that their less successful peers do not? They deliver sincere compliments frequently and well. In John Gottman’s famous study called “Masters and Disasters of Marriage,” the researcher found that in the happiest American marriages spouses average giving five compliments to each other for each critical comment. Marriages that end in divorce are also more positive than negative; however, the ratio drops to 1.25 compliments for each critical comment. Notice that happy couples share their displeasure. However, they complain much less than they encourage.

Studies of successful parents offer almost identical results to Gottman’s study on the strengths of happy couples.  The ability to deliver compliments frequently and well is also a major skill of successful parents. These parents train themselves to see and point out the positive. On the other hand, less successful parents focus so much on the negative that they become blind to the positive things their children do. Do successful parents point out negatives? Yes. However, experts discovered that they average four positive comments to each negative one. To improve the art of being positive, adults need to become more aware of and responsive to their children’s strengths and positive behaviors.

There’s no ‘but’ in compliment

“Your work is excellent, but ….” In life, “but” is a word that is nearly impossible to leap over. “But” is familiar to everyone. A critical person starts a sentence with a compliment, and then after the word “but” is uttered the inevitable criticism begins. After hearing the “but,” we ignore the compliment and wait for the complaint. “I really like your report, but I found these mistakes that you need to change.” “I like the way you are playing with your sister, but you need to let her decide what to play some of the time.”

Many parents grew up in homes where few compliments were shared. Lacking role models, they need the courage to train themselves to be different from their parents. One of the greatest challenges is removing the negative voices of their parents from their heads. A good place to start is by giving compliments without using the word “but” to introduce a complaint.

This week give compliments without using the word “but.” Catch yourself whenever you begin to qualify your praise. Also, be aware of how frequently others use “but” to sabotage their compliments. You will immediately notice how the word “but” destroys the effect a compliment should bring. A compliment without a “but” is hard to find. However, with practice, unqualified admiration will become easy to give. Pure compliments are magical. They change attitudes and atmospheres.

Create an experiment. Choose a day when you are determined to be positive. Deliver two positive comments to each person in your home. For this one day, bite your tongue whenever you want to say something negative. Watch the results. Most parents and spouses will notice that the atmosphere in their homes improves.

West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.