A fine mess, if anyone wants it

The News & Advance recently tossed out a poll question to our readers concerning the nation’s economy.

There were three choices:

“It’s great.”

“It’s not great, but better than most people think.”

“The country is collapsing.”

When the 229 votes were counted, “collapsing” had won in a near-landslide, beating “It’s not great, but ... ,” 56 percent to 42 percent.

I’d like to get the e-mails and phone numbers of the handful who said “It’s great,” so I can contact them in the coming months when I get discouraged.

Anyway, this all got me to thinking about the current presidential election and the possibility of an unprecedented scenario. Imagine that it’s mid-July, and apparent Democratic nominee Barack Obama, unwilling-to-concede opponent Hillary Clinton (who continues to cling to the race like a barnacle, despite fierce pressure from fellow Democrats) and Republican standard-bearer John McCain announce a joint press conference at the Senate office building, which they occasionally visit in-between campaigning.

Sen. Obama is the first to the podium.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press,” he says, “I made the statement last year that even though I was fairly young, by political standards and had a lot of time to make a presidential run, I felt it was imperative for me to take the plunge because of the current state of the nation. ‘The imperative of now,’ I said, or some such thing.

“Lately, though, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I am young, and I do have a lot of time left, and I’m beginning to question whether I want to squander my chance at changing the world on a period where the world obviously doesn’t want to be changed. I came away from a recent meeting with my economic advisors not just appalled, but terrified.

“I also have to indirectly thank Sen. Clinton for prompting me to reconsider all of this. I know she meant nothing by it, but she got my attention back in May by mentioning the word ‘assassination.’ When you think about it, there are a lot of crazy people out there. You’ve got terrorists; you’ve got angry, desperate people who’ve lost their houses; and you’ve got whackos, who just want to become famous. And, in my case, I’ve still got to worry about the unreconstructed former Ku Klux Klan member, who may be 85 years old but still has the strength to pull a trigger.

“Given all this, I’ve decided this is neither the time nor the place to make a run for the presidency, and I hereby defer to Sen. Clinton.”

A roar of disbelief wells up from the assembled media, as reporters scramble for cell phones to call their offices. When it subsides a few moments later, Hillary Clinton comes to the front and puts her arm around Obama.

“I admire Sen. Obama for making such a courageous gesture,” she says, “and I’m humbled by his faith in me. But I, too, have been doing a lot of thinking. I put up with eight years of being embarrassed by my husband, sniped at by Republican attack dogs over Whitewater and being sent off to godforsaken places all over the globe, all because I really wanted this job. I worked my buns off campaigning, I demonstrated all the determination and fight that’s supposed to be part of the American spirit, and what do I now hear from my fellow Democrats?’ I hear, ‘For crying out loud, Hillary, why don’t you just go away?’

“That’s the thanks I get. And now, this gives me the opportunity to say to these ungrateful people, ‘Fine. I’ll go away.’ Let’s see how you like four years of President McCain — I quit!”

There is another outburst from the media, after which John McCain takes Clinton’s place behind the microphone.

“I, too, am humbled by this opportunity,” he begins. “The thing is, I’ve recently been thinking about the fact that I’m not getting any younger. In fact, as I told the audience of ‘Saturday Night Live’ a few months ago, I’m old. I’m starting to forget where I put things. I’m getting aches and pains I never had before.

“I’ve vowed to end the Iraq War by 2013, at which time I’ll be 78. Not ancient, but still no spring chicken. As Sen. Obama so eloquently pointed out, our economy is in the toilet, and fighting two expensive wars isn’t helping. As president, I’d have to worry about terrorist attacks, dying polar bears, skyrocketing oil prices, and the fact that all the rest of the world — except for Australia and, ironically,
Vietnam — hates us.

“What was I thinking? I’m too old for this. Find somebody else.”

A single ringing telephone cuts through the bedlam that follows, and the press conference monitor picks it up.

“Am I on speaker phone?” asked a voice with a familiar Texas twang. “Put me on speaker phone!”

The moderator flips a switch, and the voice fills the conference room.

“I couldn’t help but be listening to all this,” says George W. Bush, “and I just wanted to say that if y’all don’t want my job, I’ll be happy to keep it for another eight years.
“Heck, I never wanted to have to move all my stuff out, anyway.”